Hogwarts: A Story
by Senshi Nadeshiko
Summary: Two girls get accepted to Hogwarts, but how? Both of them have an IQ of negative 0! Read to find out! R for ALOT of cuss words and crual acts of violence. Besides that, it's REALLY funny! Please r/r!
1. The Disturbing Beginning

Hiya people! This story is made out of boredom. My friend (Maite) and me (Cristina) are doing this out of boredom. So, just enjoy this Hogwarts fic okay? For me!!!!!! Oh, and review please!  
  
Disclaimer Shit: ME NO OWN, YOU NO SUE, ME BE HAPPY  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
** Cristina's House **  
  
Cristina: DIE DICK HEAD!! :: slams her fist on keyboard, computer shuts down, not good o.o ::  
  
Maite: I think you killed it o.o;;  
  
Cristina: No, really?  
  
Maite: Yes really  
  
Cristina: Okay :: sits down and kicks a piece of corn ::  
  
Maite: I think you killed the corn  
  
Cristina: Shut the hell up with killing things, will ya?  
  
Maite: I think you killed the…  
  
Cristina: ARGH!! :: strangles Maite to bits ::  
  
Maite: Fuck you! :: strangles Cristina to da ground and jumps on her ::  
  
Cristina: Shit! My eyeball! It's getting squished! .o  
  
:: An owl flys into the window and drops two letters ::  
  
:: Annoying song starts to play ::  
  
Maite: What the fuck is that thing in the window?  
  
Cristina: I'm not worried about that blob in the window, I'm worried about that fucking music playing. Where's it coming from?  
  
Maite: Um, Cristina, that's an owl not a blob  
  
Cristina: Oh… really?  
  
Maite: Ya, really  
  
Cristina: Cool  
  
Maite: Mhmm  
  
Cristina: :: stares ::  
  
Maite: :: stares back O.o ::  
  
Cristina: :: looks at the letters on the ground ::  
  
Maite: Pretty =P  
  
Cristina: Let's go look!  
  
Maite: Oky dae!  
  
:: They open the letters ::  
  
Cristina: Hey, there's a smudge on your letter  
  
Maite: Nope, that's part of the jelly donut I ate =P  
  
Cristina: Yummy :) :: eats the smudge ::  
  
Maite: :: reads letter ::  
  
  
  
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry  
  
:funny designs:  
  
Headmaster Albus Dumbledore  
(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. Of Wizards)  
  
Dear Mrs. So and Soe,  
  
We aren't pleased to inform you that you fat asses are accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (though we don't know how). Go look for an enclosed piece of paper that tells you what you need. Now go away, were eating right now…  
  
Sincerely,  
Minerva McGonagall  
  
Cristina: What the hell… o.o  
  
Maite: Did you understand any frickin thing this letter said?  
  
Cristina: I don't understand anything…  
  
Maite: :: looks at piece of paper that has materials and crap on it :: What the fuck is this? We need a wand?  
  
Cristina: Cool, now I can get that new flavor of donut I always wanted!  
  
Maite: And where exactly are we supposed to get this?  
  
Cristina: The Supermarket?  
  
Maite: Ya, what a great idea!  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
** Winn Dixie **  
  
Maite: :: grabs a cook book :: Could this be the Standard Book of Spells?  
  
Cristina: I think so, it has a spoon, and ingredients and all that other witch crap :: Puts it in their little basket thing ::  
  
Cristina: Hey I think I found a wand!  
  
Maite: Where?  
  
Cristina: This stick :: shows her a stick of beef jerky ::  
  
Maite: Oh, cool!! I think I found a robe :: shows her curtain fabric ::  
  
Cristina: This is easy shopping for this stuff  
  
:: Maite and Cristina buy what they need and go home ::  
  
Maite: Okay, now it tells us to go to Platform 9 and ¾ which is in… London…  
  
Cristina: ROAD TRIP!!!  
  
Maite: Sweet! Let's go on a road trip… Wait… Do you know how to drive?  
  
Cristina: Sure! It can't be that hard!  
  
Maite: Okay…  
  
:: They hijack someone's pickup truck and put their stuff in the back. On the way to London they do 6 hit and runs and 12 crashes ::  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
** 10:30 a.m. Platform 9 and ¾ **  
  
Maite: Okay let's go! :: Closes her eyes and marches forward. Splats into a wall ::  
  
Cristina: Watch a pro do that! :: Runs into the wall and jumps in the air, does two turns, and goes splat on the wall… Or so she thought ::   
  
Maite: :: Watches Cristina fly through the wall :: o.o :: Takes their stuff and walks through the wall, just in time to see Cristina splat face flat on the ground :: Ouch. That's gotta hurt.  
  
Cristina: :: Whimpers as people step on her :: Help… me…  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
OoOoOoOo the first chapter! Didja like it? Bad, boring, good, funny, what? R/r please!! Adios! ~* Cristina and Maite 


	2. The Train Ride from Hell

Thank you everybody! I currently have :: checks profile :: 4 reviews… Well, neway! Here's the 2 chapter of Hogwarts: A Story! Enjoy! Or die…  
  
Disclaimer: ME NO OWN, YOU NO SUE, ME BE HAPPY  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
** 10:40 a.m. Platform 9 and ¾ **  
  
Cristina: :: attempts to get up from the ground :: Owie… fucking idiots… can't see a person on the ground… come on Maite, let's go  
  
Maite: Oky dae… Are you sure you can walk? There's nasty foot prints on your back…  
  
Cristina: I'LL BE FINE!!  
  
:: people stare O.o ::  
  
:: Cristina and Maite make their way onto the train. They sit. They stare ::  
  
Cristina: O.o  
  
Maite: o.O  
  
Cristina: O.o  
  
Maite: o.O  
  
Cristina: O.o  
  
Maite: This is getting boring  
  
Cristina: Ya, it is…  
  
:: Two people rudely barge into their compartment ::  
  
Person with Red Hair: HI I'M RON!!  
  
Cristina: Fuck off  
  
Person with Lightning Bolt Scar: I'm Harry Potter  
  
Maite: Go away  
  
Ron: Why are you swearing like that? We're just saying hi!  
  
Cristina: Okay, so I guess I should praise you for rudely barging into OUR compartment without knocking or anything?  
  
Harry: Actually… ya.  
  
Maite: You weren't supposed to say that… you were supposed to say sorry  
  
Ron: Oh, okay… :: ahem:: sorry  
  
Maite: Good now go annoy the shit out of someone else…  
  
Girl with Puffy Brown Hair: HAS ANYONE SEEN A TOAD?!  
  
Maite: Ack! My ears! I'm melting! :: melts into a puddle on the seat ::  
  
Cristina: O.o  
  
Girl with Puffy Brown Hair: Oh, sorry, my name is Hermione. And you?  
  
Cristina: Cristina  
  
Puddle: Maite  
  
Harry: Harry  
  
Ron: Ron  
  
Cristina: Want to sit down with us?  
  
Hermione: Okay!  
  
:: they all sit :: :: they stare ::  
  
Hermione: What kind of wands did you guys get? I got a Unicorn hair one  
  
Ron: I got a hand me down, who knows what kind it is  
  
Harry: I got a wand with a Phoenix feather. What did you guys get?  
  
Maite: We got these wands!! :: shows them beef jerky sticks ::  
  
Cristina: Aren't they cool?!  
  
Hermione: Are you playing a trick on us? Those aren't wands. There food!  
  
Maite: You're just jealous that you don't have the kinds we have!  
  
Cristina: Ya! We're special! :: Does a funky dance ::  
  
Everyone in Compartment: O.o  
  
Ron: You guys are gonna get in so much trouble…  
  
Harry: Hey, we better change into our robes before we get to Hogwarts.  
  
Hermione: good idea  
  
:: They change ::  
  
Ron: What the hell? You guys are wearing curtains!   
  
Maite: Ya, so? What's with it with you? You're just jealous you don't have flower patterns like we do!  
  
Cristina: :: does another funky dance ::  
  
Hermione: You guys are dead meat…  
  
Announcer Dude: We will be getting to Hogwarts in about… uh… 5 minutes  
  
Cristina: Huh? He stopped my concentration of the all mighty funky dance! YOU BASTARD!!  
  
Announcer Dude: Dur, I heard that. Wait till Dumbledore here's about this. Oh boy, here comes my daily heart attack… GAH! WAAAGGAAHH!! ………………….  
  
Maite: O.o what was that about?  
  
Cristina: I just called him a Bastard…  
  
Announcer Dude: GAHHHHH!!  
  
Cristina: Bastard…  
  
Announcer Dud: GAHHHHH!!  
  
Hermione: Stop that at once! Imagine the pain he's going through!  
  
Cristina: :: tries to imagine :: Nope nothings going through my mind  
  
:: Cristina's Mind ::  
  
:: Spiders and pencils crawl around ::  
  
Maite: Me neither  
  
Hermione: Poor conductor guy…  
  
Announcer Dude: GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! OH LORD HELP ME!!!!!  
  
Another Voice: We are arriving at Hogwarts please wait till…  
  
Cristina: yes finally!!! :: Jumps out compartment window. Goes squish on the ground ::  
  
Another Voice: we stop… really, these kids can't wait till the train stops…  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I'm really lazy, and sleepy, and I have to go to bed. Please review! Was it good or bad, funny or just plain stupid? Tell me!! 3 more reviews till I post the next chapter! Ja ne! ~* Senshi Nadeshiko *~ 


	3. The Sorting... Holy Hell...

Wowie, I haven't uploaded a chapter in a long time!! I'm really sorry people's. I'll be good next time. So, we left off... with Cristina jumping out the window. How pleasant. Well, enjoy and... Dust Bunnies Foreva!!  
  
Disclaimer: ME NO OWN, YOU NO SUE, ME BE HAPPY  
  
* * *  
  
Cristina: :: peels herself off the ground ::  
  
Maite: You're really sad.  
  
:: Hagrid aka Big Boy signals everyone to jump in boats. ::  
  
Maite: YIPPEEE!! BOATIES!!  
  
Cristina: I never liked boats... my mom said they would change little kids into scrambled eggs  
  
Maite: O.o Scrambled eggs are yummy  
  
:: They all jump into the boats and ride off into the sunset. Everything is happy until... ::  
  
Cristina: Didja see something move in the water?  
  
Maite: :: Too busy playing gameboy ::  
  
Cristina: :: Looks down into the water. Screams. :: I saw something moving! It was really big! Holy shit! It's a...  
  
:: A little fishy jumps outta the water ::  
  
Maite: Dinner... :: eats the fishy ::  
  
Cristina: Poor soul...  
  
:: The boats all go down a tunnel thing. The boats stop. ::  
  
Hagrid: E'ery body outta da boats. Come along now little lads and lassies, time's a was'ing!  
  
Maite: O.O It's an evil Irish monk!!  
  
Cristina: Disturbing...  
  
Maite: Queer...  
  
Some Guy: I like cheese...  
  
Cristina: No kidding! I do too!!  
  
:: All get out of the boats and walk through big door. They get greeted by an ugly lady. ::  
  
Ugly Lady: I am Professor McGonagall. There will be no gum, sharp objects, and killer hamsters in this building.  
  
Maite: :: stops chewing a wad of gum bigger than Texas and spits it out. It flies into Prof. McGonagall's eye. ::  
  
Prof. McGonagall: Bloody hell! My bloody eyes is all bloody with bloody gum!  
  
Cristina: Impressive, four bloodies in one sentence.  
  
:: Paramedics come and take Prof.McGonagall away. Skinny Boy appears. ::  
  
Skinny Boy: Umm, we're having some technical difficulties... I'll be the boss now! Fear me!  
  
:: Stares O.o ::  
  
Skinny Boy: Never mind. My name is Bob. Come with me to the almighty Great Hall to get sorted!  
  
:: Takes them into a very small cramped living room. ::  
  
Bob: Stand there. I'm gonna get the Sorting Hat.  
  
:: People stare at first years. The first years stare back. It's silent until... ::  
  
Cristina: :: Farts really loud. Prof. Flitwick get's blown away. :: O.o  
  
Maite: Those buritos come in handy ^-^  
  
Cristina: I wanna get sorted!!!!!!!!!!!! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!  
  
Maite: Migraine, Migraine, Migraine!! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!  
  
Prof.Dumbledore: Enough!! Let's get sorted. I have an appointment to get to.  
  
:: Bob gets out an old pruny, moldy, ugly, fat, stale, wrinkly, deformed hat. ::  
  
Bob: First up, Aguirrezabal, Maite.  
  
:: Runs up and trips over a pebble. Gets back up. Sits on stool. Puts on hat. ::  
  
Hat: Hmm, interesting. No brain... no courage... no bravery... lot's of buritos... lot's of greed... perfect for Slytherin, but I'm in a good mood today. GRYFFINDOR!!  
  
Maite: :: Looks arounnd like an idiot. :: Pretty stars.  
  
:: The list goes on, and on, and on, and on, like the Energizer Bunny. Then it comes to Cristina's name. ::  
  
Bob: Zulaica, Cristina.  
  
:: Walks up and doesn't trip on a pebble, but instead a killer hamster. Get's back up, puts hat on, and waits. ::  
  
Hat: Hmm... Same as that Maite girl except you're dreaming of... Auron (AN: FFX Rules!!). GRYFFINDOR!!  
  
:: Cheers ::  
  
* * *  
  
Sorry it was amazingly short. My hands and arms are tired and I have to go home. I'm at Maite's house right now. Well, anyways, Ciao.  
  
~* Ja Ne! Senshi Nadeshiko and Saturn_Gold *~ 


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